Friday, April 20, 2012

Sweet Caroline

Hi There! If you are coming over to my blog from Kelly's Korner welcome! I'm so excited that Kelly has decided to do this linkup! It's such a taboo topic and not many people are willing (especially those that haven't lost a child) to share or join in on this topic. Thanks so much Kelly! The loss of a child is just horrific and unimaginable that most people shy away from those of us in the awful situation.

(If you'd like to read the complete story about our precious little girl you can go herehere, and here. Her due date post is here.)

We had our first baby back in 2002. Graham arrived happy and healthy after a very uneventful pregnancy! Bobby and I were soo blessed to add him to our little family! We were so in love that 4 years later we decided that Graham needed a playmate and we wanted to add to our family again. We were floored when I became pregnant easily, saw a wonderful little heart beating at our 8 week checkup, but then miscarried at 9 weeks. How could this happen to us?? To say that the 3 of us were devastated is the understatement of the year.  We knew in our hearts that we wanted and needed to try again soon and were blessed a short time later to get pregnant again. Once again we were blessed with an awesome pregnancy and birth and were able to welcome our second son, Grady, into our little family! With two sweet kiddos around it wasn't long before my thoughts turned to adding a third child to the mix :). My hubby is the oldest of 3 and loved that they was so much fun, laughter, and entertainment around. I agreed with him! My boys needed just one more playmate for life!

My pregnancy with Caroline started off fine to begin with. It wasn't long though before I began spotting. Panicked I went in to see my doctor who saw her perfect little heart beating away! If you've ever had a scare before you know that once you see your child happy, healthy and ALIVE inside you still it is such joy and happiness like you have never felt before! Off and on after that I would spot. The doctors always said "that's just normal" and "don't worry so much". All the while I was just had a sinking feeling in my stomach the farther I progressed and as the spotting and bleeding continued.

Right at around 21 weeks I felt like I was getting the worst flu ever. I went into my OB's office to get checked out to be on the safe side. It was determined there that not only did I have an amniotic fluid infection but that also my membranes had ruptured  and I was already 3 cm dilated. During pregnancy and at only 21 weeks, this is the WORST trifecta of news that a momma can get. :(. I remember looking at the ultrasound that the doctor was doing at the time and seeing her still alive in there and moving around but knowing that later that day she would be gone.

I have to honestly say that this was the worst day of my life. Sick to my stomach, filled with fear, sad beyond belief, confused about what was happening, we headed off to the hospital to deliver a baby that would open her eyes to Jesus and not her Momma or Daddy.


I almost never share Caroline Elizabeth's picture on my blog. In fact, this is only the second time ever. I like to protect her image from others who don't view her with love, only curiosity. I feel really called to show off my beauty this morning though! She was such a wonder of joy and hope the whole pregnancy. She fought brilliantly until the very end! I'm such a proud Momma to her. I'm just so very sad that I will never know her this side of Heaven. 

I love you my darling and precious angel!

I also feel called to share that Caroline has a little brother now too! Sweet little thing is surrounded by all boys, bless her heart! We discovered during my pregnancy with him that I have an incompetent cervix. Surprisingly this never showed up during my first two pregnancies just the last two. I firmly believe that Caroline is the guardian angel over our family now. With out her perhaps pulling some strings with God we might not have had our little Griffin. He also arrived safely, happy, and healthy after 1 surgery and months of bed rest. 



We love and miss our little Caroline Elizabeth more and more ever day!

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beautiful girl!

DeeDee said...

came over from Kelly's...thank you for sharing your beautiful angel baby with us...sending hugs your way!

Kristy said...

Your Caroline is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing her with us.

ginmommy said...

Wow. Sending you my love and hugs. Thank you for sharing.

Candance said...

You are such a brave, strong woman and the picture of her is beautiful!

Michele said...

She's gorgeous, Hillary. I'm so glad you decided to share her photo.

Tesha said...

(((Caroline))) She is a lovely little angel. You are a wonderful mommy to her and your boys :)Hugs my sweet friend.

Ashley said...

I am visiting from Kelly's Korner. What a beautiful baby girl! Thanks for sharing her story. I lost my first baby and have a heart for other mommies who have as well.

-ashley
(feel free to stop by my blog anytime)

http://pencilleddaydream.wordpress.com

Elle's mommy said...

Hi, I came over from Kelly's blog! So sorry for your loss of sweet Caroline. I love that name! We have a daughter also who is with Jesus...Ellersley Grace. She passed away due to a placental abruption at 29 weeks. We miss her sweet little face every single day! Thank you for sharing your baby girl...

Nicki

The Momma said...

That picture of Caroline is so beautiful. She was truly gorgeous. Sending hugs always my friend

Shannon said...

Hi Hillary. Thank you for your kind words on my blog. :) I'm so blessed to meet you today and to read about your sweet Caroline! (I'm very fond of that name). We live very close to you! We were actually over at the park today in Garden Ridge with our homeschool group! Anyway, thank you for the post, for the courage to post Caroline's photo--indeed a beautiful girl! You are a beautiful family. Sending hugs...Shannon

Kacey said...

Hillary thank you for sharing your story and talking about this 'taboo' subject again. It would be lovely to think more people could be as open as you about their loss.

Tristan said...

caroline is such a little figher! i love her sweet little nose!

DandelionBreeze... aka NYMum said...

Thinking of you and Caroline... and often imagine our little ones playing together until we can be with them one day xoxo

Jayme said...

She's perfect! I love her little nose and lips :)

The Anglin Family said...

She's beautiful. <3

KERRY said...

Oh Hillary my sweet friend. You know how very sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful daughter, but my words could never convey that to you.
Caroline was a beautiful perfect little baby, thank you for sharing her picture with us. This can't have been easy to do.
She will always be your angel baby but I am sorry that she is not here on earth physically with you all. She is in your hearts though.
She has touched us all.
Lots of love to you xoxox

Elizabeth said...

I am grateful you shared your picture. In all honesty, it has always been hard to look at pictures of babies born too soon-it's just painful to imagine that they weren't "ready" and the pain that you must have felt/are feeling. But now-I am so grateful to see what your little one looked like-we lost our little one at 19 weeks and 2 days-5 days shy of being declared "stillborn"-I didn't get to see him. Thank you for giving me a tiny glimpse at what he may have looked like!

Beth Ann said...

I saw this post from my phone (which won't allow me to comment these days) and then never got around to getting back to it. I just wanted to say, though you already know :), that Caroline is precious, sweet, and beautiful. Her little face is so sweet. A perfect angel. I wish you would have gotten to have her with you here on Earth. But...one day I believe you will reunite with her in Heaven and you will get to spend forever with her...in a perfect place full of joy, peace, happiness, and all things good. :)

 
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