Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Caroline Elizabeth ~ Part One

So, I fear that in mentioning Caroline's ornaments yesterday I might have just opened Pandora's Box. With my blog being such a newbie and all I kind of wanted to ease into her. She is still (and always will be) such a big part of our lives right now. But the emotions that go along with her are still so darn raw and painful I can't bring myself sometimes to even bring her up. I want to include her story along with the rest of my family though. I'm just so torn both ways.

I knew that when I started this blog I wanted to use it to map out the story of our family. The good, the bad and most of the time the boring. I was also contemplating using this blog as hopefully a healing tool along the way. After Caroline was born I was so filled with hurt, anger, and a whole lot of bitterness. I didn't even want help. I couldn't look at any grief material the social worker brought to the hospital room, wanted nothing to do with any of the "self-help" grieving mothers books brought by kind friends, I wanted nothing. Now that I come to think of it, I still don't. Who knows...maybe next year, maybe next baby. I'm sure when I'll be ready to try to feel better.

I'm thinking that I might just gradually share her story...however it feels comfortable to me. Really thats pertty much how I'm rolling these days. Some days I just have to call my mom and cry on the phone endless repeating myself over and over to her and other days I'm feeling alright and the kids and I are off at the park having an awesome time for a while.

Truly the purpose of the blog is not for it to be solely about fetal loss. But, please bare with me, some days it might seem like it.

Caroline's birthday is October 15, 2010. For a couple of days prior I had been feeling somewhat flu like and just really tired. On October 13th I had actually gone over to labor and delivery at the hospital because I was spotting just a little bit. Usually this is really not a big deal during pregnancy. But, I just didn't feel that things were "right". I had told the triage nurse that I thought that I was loosing my mucus plug and I felt like I was "trickling". Once again I was told that this was "no big deal". She said that I would "get another mucus plug" and that urinary incompetence was natural for ladies that had already had babies.

Looking back now I see that I should have never accepted her explanations. Right before they discharged me she told me that all I needed to worry about was a fever greater than 101. Guess how long it took for me to run a fever of 101. Fast forward 36 hours to Friday October 15. I went to see my regular OB/GYN to tell him that I was worried that I had gotten the flu. I felt terrible by then. I told him pretty much what I had to the Labor and Delivery nurse and he started to look concerned immediately. As I laid back on the exam table he pressed on my stomach and there was a small gush. I knew it was all over then. He did a super quick ultrasound to check what we both knew was happening. My water had broken at 21 weeks.

It was a high leak and that's why it seemed that it was merely urinary incontinence. The "flu" that I had was an amniotic fluid infection. The doctors office is connected by a bridge to my hospital and they wheeled me over in a wheelchair. That's when I was admitted to Labor and Delivery.


Amy said...

Very touching. You're such an inspiration... love u!

Kathryn said...

Such a heartfelt post... I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you are a strong woman/mother and your story will be a source of strength for others. Thank you for sharing your story.

Christi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Reading the nurse's response just shocks me. I wish i could give you a hug in person but here's a hug on line (HUGS)))

Em said...

I cannot imagine...how scary. I'm only on part 1 of Caroline's story, but my heart is already breaking for you.

Jenn said...

Oh, I'm so so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin girls at 21 weeks last october and the helplessness and heartbreak is a feeling no one truly understands until they've walked this road.

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