Sunday, February 27, 2011

Caroline's Due Date

"The light shines in the darkness and the darkness doesn't extinguish the light." ~ John 1:5

Well, here we are. One of the days that I have been dreading the most. Caroline's due date. All that I can say is that I'm so glad that it falls on a Sunday. We started out this morning by going to early church at 8 am. I really was at complete peace when we walked through the doors but when Bobby held up a prayer card to me and indicated that he was putting Caroline's name on it for our churches prayer time I almost lost it. I knew that it absolutely was something that had to be done but I can not even describe to you the anxiety I felt while waiting to get to that portion of the service. When our Pastor started to read out the prayers for the week hers was the first one that he called out. I cried almost immediately and after a few moments I realized that I had to get out of there. I'm sure all around us would have realized what was going on and not cared in the least but by then I was at that horrible choking/sobbing point and I never let my kids see me like that. Our church is extremely small and when you leave the sanctuary it just goes right outside. It was something from a Jane Austin novel as I darted out of the church and into the rain and the mist. The weather felt exactly as I did at that moment. Thankfully there is a ladies room in another building close by that I hid out in until I felt better to creep back into the service. I felt bad as I had wanted to talk to our Pastor after the service but I knew with my emotional state where that would lead and I was exhausted by that point.

Thankfully after church we had breakfast out and it was really good. Can you tell that I'm an emotional eater ? :) My hubby let me nap when we got home until my MIL came over with beautiful flowers for us. We promptly placed them on the mantle right next to our beautiful little girl.

Caroline is in the little silver box on the right. By the way, we used the same vase today that we used at her funeral. It's soo pretty!

After lunch I made my way out for some therapeutic shopping. I headed over to the Family Christian Store and I found the most beautiful cross to add to our cross wall (that we will soon start work on!) to forever commemorate Caroline.

I loved it the second that I saw it with its brightly colored beads and not that you can tell in this picture but mixed in are little silver dragonflies!

I also found a new devotional journal that I plan on starting tomorrow  called "Looking Up ~ Trusting God With Your Every Need" by Beth Moore. I'm really hoping that it will provide the encouragement that I'm needing right now!

Looking Up Devotional Journal: Trusting God with Your Every Need

I finished off the day but just being a little silly. I painted my toenails pink in honor of Caroline. So maybe not a little silly, maybe a lot. But, Oh well. From now on its really just the little things that I'll be able to do to honor her and show her how much I love her on a daily basis. I can talk about her to my friends and family, I can blog about her, I can continue to better myself  so I can be an even better Momma to her big brothers Graham and Grady. I can paint my toenails pink!

I love you sweet baby girl and I miss you soo much! XOXO!


New Year Mum said...

EDD is such a hard day... lovely that you could remember her during the service but I have done exactly what you did when Gabrielle's name was mentioned in a service. Love the colour and great that you have the love to look forward in her memory :) xoxo

Amy said...

Ahh Hillary. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this but I'm glad you made it through it. I'm thankful you have such a supportive and loving family! Love that cross-- will have to see if they have that store here in Dallas.
Love you friend!

Melanie Mueller said...

I didn't do any blog reading yesterday so I am sorry this is a day late.
I love the cross you bought. It is bright and beautiful--perfect!!! I also love your perfectly pink toes!!!
My heart hurts for you and you are in my prayers. Sounds like you made it through an amazingly difficult milestone with your usual grace! Please know that I will always love to hear about sweet Caroline when you need or want to talk.
Love you!!!

Tristan said...

Your doing a great job honoring your little princess!!

Can you please send me another email..i totally lost it..hahaha.

Katie said...

YES, you sure can paint your toenails pink. I do things like this for Reese and for myself, too. I'm glad I'm not the only one. ; )

The cross is beautiful. I love special things like this. What a special reminder of your little girl.

Caroline and I share the same birthday, too. I'm honored to share the day with her!

Thinking of you and proud of you. It was a big first and you made it.

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