Right Where I Am... One Year, Seven Months, Two Week

I am linking up with Angie this morning over at Still Life With Circles. She is asking baby loss parents to talk about where they are at in their grief. I saw that she did this last year and I wanted to participate but just couldn't make myself. The grief was still so overwhelming and I was just so scared for Griffin's life that I just couldn't. Right now, today, I feel strong enough to. If I was asked to write this tomorrow or yesterday who knows.... But, Angie asked specifically, "How are you today?"

Today, I am OK. I'm not OK yet with what happened but I'm OK in the sense that I can function again. I can go days, weeks, and sometimes even months with out crying for her. I still miss her each and every single day though. I say a quick prayer for her in the morning and if I am walking past her place on our mantle I stop and place my hand on top of her little urn and speak to her. Sometime if Griffin is in a sweet (not wild :) mood I pull Caroline down off her ledge and hold her for Griffin to place his hand on her too. We say silly things like  "Good Morning Sissy" and the such. I love how she can still be a part of our family this way. If someone outside the loss community were to see how we act sometimes I bet you anything they would think that we're odd.

I try hard to find that fine line of incorporating her into our family in a way that it's not odd. I want my boys to feel comfortable talking about her and asking questions without dwelling on it. (That right there is another post entirely.)

To be the most honest, the thing that has brought me the most comfort (other than just time itself) has been Caroline's little brother Griffin. Maybe it's just that he's added more to the mix and more to keep up with and thus just more of a distraction. Really though, it's just more LOVE. :) And as strange as it may sound, I really sense her presence in him. She is not entirely gone to me because of that. I thank God everyday for the peace that this brings me. I pray that God brings all the baby loss parents the blessing of a rainbow baby (well, those that are wanting another child). I know of many that are still waiting for the love of another baby.

So in general, I'm OK. I still feel stings of bitterness and anger when the Pottery Barn Kids catalog comes in the mail filled with things that I would have wanted for Caroline or when I see sweet little girls with beautiful bows on their heads. (I don't know why but bows really make my heart hurt.) I am beginning to slowly accept that bridal gown shopping with my daughter is NOT in my future nor is watching her have her own babies. There is HER lifetime that I am missing out on. But, I'm gradually letting go of all of that.

I have so much to be thankful for so I'm choosing to focus on that these days.

Breastfeeding + Teeth = Angry Momma

So at nearly 8 months old, Griffin and I are still truckin' along with the whole breastfeeding thing. He doesn't exclusively feed by boob anymore. It's more like 80-20 (80% bottle, 20% me). And really now that he's eating almost any solid (mashed up,of course) that he can get his hands on, he's only been needing a bottle a couple of times a day and me another couple of times a day. We've been nursing in the morning and once in the afternoon. I have to say though that in the afternoon there isn't much there I don't think. Mostly he does it for comfort I think. 

Who me?

A new breastfeeding problem has arisen recently. It showed up around the same time that two pretty little white teeth did too. :) Griffin, now that he is older, is easily distracted. Pretty much what goes through his blonde head these days is " Hey, what's that light over there! ", "Hey, what's that noise over there!", " Hey, what's my loud brother running by me doing!". You get the idea. The problem with all this distraction is that Griffin isn't letting go while turning his head the 100 times he has to see what's going on per nursing session. I SWEAR that those two little teeth are starting to do some SERIOUS damage to my motherly objects. 


I have tried going to a quieter spot to nurse Griffin but he still cranes his neck around to see what's going on plus I really don't like to leave the other two boys alone too long. Someone is always hitting or kicking the other  when I'm not around and the noise, tears, and destruction are just not worth it. 


My question is to you friends, Did your little one ever do this? How do you get them to stop and focus? He's not really biting me, just firmly nursing. I don't want to tell him NO and then confuse him. I love our little nursing moments together and I don't want to give them up. On the other hand I'm in serious, torn up pain over here. What the heck do I do??

Fun Finds!

I had to share with you all some of the darling things that I've found lately!


I'm quite sure now that Paypal and Etsy just looooves me but Bobby and our bank account does not. :). Ha!  It actually was not that bad at all! I found some seriously cute stuff for not a lot (and a couple of things were FREE!!).

This sweet little canvas sign I found on Mother's Day at a local store called Bless Your Heart. It was a Mother's Day gift to myself :). Oh how I wish I had the talent to paint this well! It's now hanging by my front door so it's one of the first things you see when you walk in our home. 

Don't you just lovvvve this Erin Condren notepad? I had received a Tiny Prints email for a $20 off anything coupon and I picked these notepads. They are surprisingly roomy (like maybe 5" x x10") and it was a set of two. Basically I paid for the shipping and that was all! I sometimes can not believe my good fortune!

This was my next find! I found this on a fun Etsy site. This tiny wallet/business card holder was only $6.00!! Come one! Lime green canvas with a chevron print for only 6 bucks? SOLD. I think this will be awesome this summer to toss into the diaper bag with a credit card, drivers license, and maybe a spare key. 

See how cute the inside of the tiny wallet is! See what I also found to go inside ? :) Once again, thanks to Tiny Prints I received another $20 off coupon towards anything. Once again, I only had to pay shipping. 

{This is not a promotion for Tiny Prints, I just order from them A LOT and then fill out survey's when they ask me to and I am rewarded richly :) }

I adore my Momma calling cards! I can pass them out my number now and look classy and put together. I love to fool other moms when I can about my true nature :). No more writing on the backs of Walmart receipts for me! 

This is the shirt that Grady will be wearing to his Train Birthday Party in a couple of weeks! I figure that I only have maybe one more year left of him wearing these sweet kinds of t-shirts before he's too old for baby stuff.  I just love the crazy cute things I find off Etsy!

Yet another Etsy find! They are 5X7 muslin favor bags that I'll be using for goody bags at Grady's party. The bag is so awesome that I'm counting it as one of the favors. I know that Grady will re-use his to fill with other "treasures" when he gets home so I figure that other kids will also!

Have you found anything fun recently?

Mission Organization: The Hall Closet

We were soo incredibly blessed when we moved into our new home and it had a HUGE hall closet! We hadn't really had anything like that in any previous house before. The space was a giant plus to us! When we moved I was around 10 or 11 weeks pregnant with Caroline and not doing a ton of heavy lifting, moving, or unpacking for that matter. Bobby and I took full advantage of all that awesome free space and just shoved, stacked, and piled anything and everything in there.


We have lived in this house almost 2 years now and I'm finally not pregnant so there is simply no reason that our bad a** closet needs to go to such waste anymore.


This past Sunday, I put my foot down (to no one in particular :) and said enough is enough. 

This is the view of everything somethings as seen from the dining room.

And here is the bulk of it that trailed endlessly down our hallway. It still boggles my mind that I pulled all of this stuff out of one closet!! 

We had such a mish mash of junk! Some necessities and some home decor things all mixed in there together. I was beginning to not be able to find anything that I really needed anymore!

And here is the closet finally all emptied out. I swear it took me over an hour just to remove things!

At the end of the closet it makes a right hand turn and there is even more space! Bless the previous homeowner who added all the built in shelving. What a blessing!!

The little space is actually big enough that Grady could stand up in there! Now that he knows this I bet you I will find him in there all.the.time.

My handsome hubby was beyond thrilled to be put to work because of my whim. 

There was already some things in there to hang stuff on but oddly enough, because of their design, they were not very functional (or pretty). I can now actually hang stuff and not have things falling off! 

The finished product! (I forgot to take before pictures :/ ) I can actually walk in my own closet now!! That was totally not an option before. Seriously ya'll I could walk in maybe 4 inches or so.

Yay for pretty hooks to hold my things up with!!

All of my grocery store bags now have a place to hang too! Now if only I can remember to take them with me when I go...

I can actually "shop" my own closet now!! This was one of my main goals. I still have boxes and boxes (up in the attic and in the garage) of home decor. Once I get it all unloaded and up on these shelves I'll be able to re-decorate my home with out spending a cent!

I can not begin to tell you what a relief it was to get all this mess sorted out, organized, thrown away, and donated. It has spurred me on to clear out more stuff that's lingering around our house and complicating our lives! 

Do you do any kind of spring cleaning? Do you have any organizational tips for me to use in the future?

Happy 4th Birthday Grady Tucker!

My Grady Tucker is 4 years old today! Where oh where has all the time gone?? :) My funny Grady woke up at the crack of dawn this morning all excited that today was his birthday. He can't wait to take his cupcakes to school today and then go out for ice cream afterwards!

Grady was born May 21, 2008! We welcomed in our little 7 pound 9 ounce baby boy with such love and joy!

What joy it was to hear this precious little cry! I had a C-section with Grady too and I remember being soo nervous. All I wanted to hear was him cry. Now all I want is peace and quiet :). Just kidding! (maybe not)

Doesn't Graham look soo little here?

This was Graham's first time to see Grady. Sadly it was in the NICU. He had a few problems clearing his lungs and when they went to start an IV on him they had a really hard time. He ended up with an umbilical line which they considered to be a procedure that had him stay a little longer in the NICU than normal. On the 4th day we were able to bring him to my room and then later that day he came home with us! He has been our biggest and healthiest baby since!

Daddy with his 2 little boys!

Graham holding Grady for the first time. Don't they look so cute together! I have to remember the sweet moments like this because now all they do is fight. HA! :)

A very sleepy Daddy with his 2 boys!

This is one of my favorite pictures of them together! I have it framed and in my bathroom so I can look at it as much as I want!

I can't believe how fast the past 4 years have gone by! Here are some from past birthdays! Grady's first birthday was at the pool at my in-laws neighborhood. We went swimming and all had the greatest time!

Grady's 1st Birthday . Look at all that crazy hair!

Our cake eating MONSTER!

For Grady's 2nd Birthday we had a party at our house! We did an "under the sea" theme and rented a jumpy castle for the back yard. We had tons of food, family, and fun. It was a great day!

Grady's 2nd Birthday. It was such a crazy fun day that this is the closest thing to a family picture that we got :).

For Grady's 3rd Birthday we did a party at our house again (but at our new house). Don't kill me, but I don't have the pictures for it (not just yet anyway). I had just had my cerclage placed and was on bed rest. My awesome SIL Melanie took tons of pictures for me that day and now I can't find the disk. :/ I swear I saw Grady wandering around with it the other day asking me what it was (I'm pretty sure it was one of those disks that have the miniature pictures printed on top of the disk so you can tell what's on it). Once I find it, I'll add it to this post. In the mean time, here are some other fun pictures of my middle man from the past year :).

There is just nothing better than eating an icee and being pushed around in your stroller!

Mowing the lawn for Momma. :)

Making sure that Crash has water...

Playing in the water with his best buddy/cousin Carter

And who could forget the time that he broke his bed!

My super silly Spiderman! 

Checking out the Blue Angels with Daddy!

What an awesome year we have had with you Grady!!

My darling Grady,

Daddy and I are so blessed to have you as our middle child, our second son, our silly boy. We love you more than words can express! You brighten each and everyday with your laughter and you keep us on our toes with your shining spirit. I love how sweet and funny you can be. Your sense of humor makes you the family clown and we love you for it! We thank God everyday for letting us have you to be our son. We love you with all our hearts, all our souls, and all our beans :).

Love you always,

Momma and Daddy

DIEt

Haha. I just love to spell it that way :). Humor about this situation  diet is the only thing getting me by these days.

So I thought that I'd take a moment and tell you what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and how I feel about it (although I'm pretty sure that if you are smart enough to be reading this then you already know exactly what my attitude towards dieting is).

First things first, I am doing what I like to call a Combo-diet. I have taken several dieting plans and meshed them into one that I think will work the best for me and my life-style. In a nut shell it is Slim Fast drinks, Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones frozen meals, and very sensibly cooked dinners and salads added here and there. With what precious little time I have right now the last thing I want to worry about it cooking a lot. I find things sooo much easier if I can just pop a top of a nutrition drink in the morning, warm up a frozen meal at lunch and dinner time and add in just a fresh salad to go along with both. I adore that the calories are counted for me on everything! Anything that I can add to my day that is labeled "one less thing to worry about" is A-OK is my book. :)

It hasn't been too terrible. The first couple of day I just wanted to cry ya'll but then it got easier. I think that I was going through food withdrawal. How horrible is that?? Truth be told though, I think that I might have had a small food addiction. Once all that past though it been tolerable. I realized that I was eating out of boredom and habit a lot of the time. I've been trying hard to pin point those moments when I feel the need to eat (at not a regular meal or snack time) and ask myself why? What is going on right now that makes me stop what I'm doing and walk to the kitchen. Once I think about it I'm almost always able to walk back out and away from the food.

After Caroline and while I was pregnant with Griffin I pretty much just gave myself over to eating what ever the heck I wanted whenever I wanted it. Grief combined with worry for the future with Griffin was sometimes just too much and food was the easiest comfort. I felt like I also had a free pass to eat like crazy with Griffin. After my cerclage was placed they had pretty much said that I shouldn't be restricting anything food-wise because if Griffin were to come early they needed him to be as big as possible. With that free pass in hand I did exactly as the doctors said :). It wasn't until 34-35 weeks that they said "ok Hillary, you can put the eating breaks on now". :)

It's funny to talk about the cerclage now because I am one pound less now than what my weight was at the hospital that morning (18 weeks gestation). How sad is that? I have a 7 and a half month old and I'm still no where near where I want/need to be.

Other things worth mentioning (and for myself remembering) I'm doing this because I'm only 36 and my joints are aching, feet are hurting, and I suck some serious wind trying to carry little Griffin up and down the stairs. Grrr. I shouldn't be feeling any of those things until I'm in my 60's. I'd like to be happy, healthy, and fit enough to chase my kids for a very long time!!

So, if anyone sees me not blogging about weight loss again in the next couple of weeks, feel free to shoot me an email to ask if I'm still on the wagon or not. I'm going to need some serious support to keep me honest! :)

And I'm Back... :)

With our Brand New Computer! Funnily enough it's different than our last one. We had gotten our new one right before Griffin was born (I think back in August) but already Best Buy wasn't even carrying that brand anymore. So now we have a comparable one. The price was exactly the same but different brand, bigger screen, and a faster whatever it is that makes newer computers better than older ones. (I'm a total techie can you tell? :) It's amazing how much can change in the computer world in just a couple of month. But, I'm so glad for it!! Wasn't I just wishing yesterday for something new and exciting? I can't believe that it's sitting on my kitchen table right now!

I'm thinking that I should probably do a random bullet post to get all caught up. It may or may not have pictures to go with it. I'm pretty tired right now. We'll just see how all this goes shall we?

• I finally started to diet. Diet as in DIEt. I think that I'm going to die. No, really. I may. It seems so easy for others. They just have self control that I don't I guess. I am one of those people who eat for many many reason. When things taste really good I eat, when I'm happy I eat, when I'm sad I eat, when I'm stressed...you get the picture. It's only been a little over a week and already I'm praying to God to give me strength to continue. Sweet Bobby is doing it with me though. When we eat our Lean Cuisine's for dinner together I thank him and say "you just bought another 30 minutes of life with me for making such a healthy choice". I should remember that same sentiment.

• I missed everyone so very much while I was gone! I had my MIL's laptop here and there briefly and I tried to jump around when and where I could to see how everyone was doing. Thanks so much for the sweet words for ya'll about being missed. It warmed my starving heart! :)

• Grady's 4th Birthday is coming up soon!We are having his party at a transportation museum here in town. He is sooo all about trains right now its crazy. He is almost to the "I can't wait another second until my birthday party" point. I can't either. I have found some super cute invites and party favors! The colors are aqua, orange and brown. It should be really fun!

• I can't remember if I said this on here yet or maybe it was just on Facebook, but I had found a really really (like 10 years old) old cashiers check in a file folder that I was cleaning out. Ya'll it was for $500! I drove my happy butt straight to the bank to try and figure out how to get the unused funds back. After much searching (the bank couldn't help me because they hand the funds over to the state after 3 years) online, and many phone calls and emails I was able to find the funds! I had to go all the way to the State of Alabama's treasury department but I got them! Well not "got them" yet, technically  it's a 6-8 week wait to have the funds mailed back to me. We might end up with a really fun late summer vacay if my hubby doesn't steal it to work on his truck. :)

• Griffin hasn't changed much in the past couple of weeks. I really need to do a complete 7 month post on him soon. He is still eating off a spoon like a trooper, waking up at least once a night for a lost paci replacement, and trying soo hard to sit up but is still a little on the tipsy side. His crazy cute smiles and giggles make my heart flip every.single.time. 

• I just heard on Facebook that Jennifer over at Maybe If You Just relax lost her little girl this morning. I'm so heartbroken for her right now. :(. How the hell do you loose your one year old on mother's day and ever recover from that? Sweet Ainsley was born prematurely when her twin sister passed in utero . She fought bravely spending almost an entire year in the NICU before being transferred to the PICU. Sweet girl. My prayers are with her and her family today. Go over and leave her some words of comfort if you have a second.

• On a little bit lighter of a note, I read the greatest article this morning about pregnancy and weight loss/weight gain. It's brilliant, hilarious, and oh so truthful all rolled into one. Read http://hellogiggles.com/the-one-in-which-maybe-we-leave-jessica-simpson-the-hell-alone

• I'll be back later today with a proper Mother's Day post! 

A Laptop So Broke That We Are Getting A New One

Yep folks, you heard it right! We are getting a new laptop! Whoot Whoot!

Apparently when you spill large quantities of hot liquids on computers it destroys everything inside them. We got the email today that told us to go back to the store and claim our new computer. Too bad ours was pretty new still. It would have been nice to have had an older computer and then gotten essentially a free upgrade. But beggars can not be choosers and I am just grateful to the nth degree that ours is getting replaced, that they were able to save everything onto our external hard drive, and that my MIL brought her laptop over for us to use almost every other day.

By this time tomorrow I'll be back in blogging business with tons of fun pictures to share!