Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Right Where I Am... One Year, Seven Months, Two Week

I am linking up with Angie this morning over at Still Life With Circles. She is asking baby loss parents to talk about where they are at in their grief. I saw that she did this last year and I wanted to participate but just couldn't make myself. The grief was still so overwhelming and I was just so scared for Griffin's life that I just couldn't. Right now, today, I feel strong enough to. If I was asked to write this tomorrow or yesterday who knows.... But, Angie asked specifically, "How are you today?"







Today, I am OK. I'm not OK yet with what happened but I'm OK in the sense that I can function again. I can go days, weeks, and sometimes even months with out crying for her. I still miss her each and every single day though. I say a quick prayer for her in the morning and if I am walking past her place on our mantle I stop and place my hand on top of her little urn and speak to her. Sometime if Griffin is in a sweet (not wild :) mood I pull Caroline down off her ledge and hold her for Griffin to place his hand on her too. We say silly things like  "Good Morning Sissy" and the such. I love how she can still be a part of our family this way. If someone outside the loss community were to see how we act sometimes I bet you anything they would think that we're odd.




I try hard to find that fine line of incorporating her into our family in a way that it's not odd. I want my boys to feel comfortable talking about her and asking questions without dwelling on it. (That right there is another post entirely.)

To be the most honest, the thing that has brought me the most comfort (other than just time itself) has been Caroline's little brother Griffin. Maybe it's just that he's added more to the mix and more to keep up with and thus just more of a distraction. Really though, it's just more LOVE. :) And as strange as it may sound, I really sense her presence in him. She is not entirely gone to me because of that. I thank God everyday for the peace that this brings me. I pray that God brings all the baby loss parents the blessing of a rainbow baby (well, those that are wanting another child). I know of many that are still waiting for the love of another baby.




So in general, I'm OK. I still feel stings of bitterness and anger when the Pottery Barn Kids catalog comes in the mail filled with things that I would have wanted for Caroline or when I see sweet little girls with beautiful bows on their heads. (I don't know why but bows really make my heart hurt.) I am beginning to slowly accept that bridal gown shopping with my daughter is NOT in my future nor is watching her have her own babies. There is HER lifetime that I am missing out on. But, I'm gradually letting go of all of that.



I have so much to be thankful for so I'm choosing to focus on that these days.


24 comments:

Elizabeth said...

I'm glad you are feeling "okay". Her name is so beautiful in the sand. Hugs to you...right where you are!

KrystalK said...

Thank you for sharing and linking up with Angies blogs. We lost our daughter just 2 weeks after your sweet Caroline. I can totally relate to where you are and finding some "more normal" way to incorporate Stella into our daily lives. Ive felt that a rainbow would also help emmensly in healing, but that has been a huge struggle between my husband and I. I am currenely in the 2week wait after he had a slip up that he is quite upset about. So we will see. Again thans for sharing and God Bless.

Tristan said...

Just so you know..you incourage me to be a better mother. I know that I cherish my baby girl so much..but even more so,for you.
That might not make sense..but to me it does.
Love you girl..you are such a good mommy to Caroline for making her a part of the family!!

The Anglin Family said...

Thanks for sharing Hillary...Im kind of right where you are, but I dont know how YOU feel because we are all different in our grief. You are a great mommy to Caroline. Hugs, sweet friend. I'm thankful for Griffin and Sawyer and the comfort they bring...

Tesha said...

Hillary I saw this project but I do not think I can participate because I am at such a bad place right now. I would hate to scare mommy's that want to know what four month is like uugg. Maybe I will feel better in a while and be able to wright it. I am glad Griffin brings you so much comfort. Caroline is a blessed little girl to have a wonderful mommy that loves and misses her. Big hugs my friend.

Candance said...

You are a strong, beautiful, brave woman and I'm super proud to call my you my friend. Every time I read how you're coping with the loss of Caroline, I am completely amazed at your strength!

The Momma said...

Thank you for sharing girl. I think what you are doing by incorporating her into the family is 100% normal for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your perfect girl.

Catherine W said...

I love your description, that you want your boys to feel comfortable talking about Caroline and asking questions about her without dwelling. That is what I would like to achieve for my children too. It's a fine line to find but I'm glad that I have this community here, who understand.

I'm glad that you sense Caroline's presence in her little brother, Griffin. I'm sure that must be a source of comfort and peace to you.

KERRY said...

Sweet post...love you Hillary xo

Beth Ann said...

Love to you. I don't think anything is odd. I think it shows that you are a mother who loves all of her children very deeply. Transcendent love.

CourtneyT said...

Beautiful post! The pain never really goes away. It just gets easier to take one more breath.

still life angie said...

Thank you for sharing right where you are. That first line--being okay, but not with her death. I get that completely. Thank you again. With love. xo

Hope's Mama said...

This was a lovely post. I'm so sorry Caroline is not with you.
xo

Arcadia said...

"I pray that God brings all the baby loss parents the blessing of a rainbow baby (well, those that are wanting another child). I know of many that are still waiting for the love of another baby."
- I'm not religious, but I often wish I was.. Thank you for your prayers, please keep us in them, goodness knows we need all the help we can get. Thinking of you and your Caroline, and hoping for my own little rainbow.

Merry said...

Fumbling our way through sibling relationships with a dead brother or sister is very hard. Gods, I wish that got covered in parenting lessons. Sigh.

I am glad that today you are okay.

Leather sofa said...

Hello
Our Hopeful Life - Welcome to the Mueller Family!
Articles like this are an example of quick helpful answers. I adore it a ton, thank you a lot!

Jessica said...

I'm so glad that you are doing okay and that you have found the comfort in your rainbow baby that I have found in mine as well. He has brought such happiness to our family and, as you said, maybe part of it is just his busy-ness and the wild distraction of one more child but having him has helped so much.

Josh Jackson said...

Beautiful post and thanks for sharing your experience this go around. Those early months are so gut wrenching, I could barely get the words out for my first Right Where I Am post.

My living child holds her sister too, a beautifully tragic moment if there ever was such a thing.

We are all so affected by the loss...

Jessica said...

Caroline is a beautiful name...I am so sorry she is not with you. Much love to you and your family. Thank you for sharing right where you are <3

DandelionBreeze said...

Thinking of you and Caroline with all my heart... know what you mean when you say " try hard to find that fine line of incorporating her into our family in a way that it's not odd"... love how you have her little urn and talk with her each day. You are an amazing mum... to all your kids near and far.

I've nominated you for a Blog Award... you've been with me through thick and thin and want to thank you for all your love and support in this little way...
http://newyearmum.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/awards-another-fun-distraction-in-my.html
Love to you always xoxo

Hannah Rose said...

Caroline's name in the sand photo is GORGEOUS!! I adore the name Caroline Elizabeth, by the way. It's a timeless, old-fashioned feminine name, just like my Lily Katherine. :)

I'm so happy for you and thankful you have Griffin. I hope to have a rainbow baby one day. I cannot imagine what it's like to hold your own baby with LIFE within.

So many hopes and dreams we must give up...dress shopping, graduation hit me the other day...all those future moments we will miss out on. The reminders come often, like when the catalogs come, like you said. among so many other things.

I am glad you are okay.

Much love and hugs,
Hannah Rose

Em said...

I totally get missing the hair bows. Our daughter, Eva was born on the same day as your Caroline. She was also our first daughter after 3 boys. Boy, did I ever want hair bows!
Eva lived for 10 wonderful months and died on August 15th 2011. I look back and find it odd that she was born on Infant loss day. Also odd that we named a baby Eva, which means LIFE to a baby that died so young. We have no rainbow yet but we are hoping. Thanks for sharing where you are at. Love, Em

erica said...

Thank you for this post. It's so full of love, for all of your children. The way you talk about Caroline with your boys just made me smile. I hate that she isn't there to play with them, but I love that they get to know about her and talk about her with you.

Much love to you.

Fireflyforever said...

I totally related to this. Our Emma is buried but I often lift her photograph down from the mantel and let her little brother say hello. Sometimes he gives her a kiss :) And yes - her whole life. I remember in the very early, painful, rawest days sobbing to my husband about the grandchildren we had lost when we lost Emma. I don't go there now - it hurts just writing it here. I suppose that's healing - after three years I can choose not to focus on those things.

Caroline's name is beautiful. It's one I have always loved.

 
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