Right Where I Am... One Year, Seven Months, Two Week

I am linking up with Angie this morning over at Still Life With Circles. She is asking baby loss parents to talk about where they are at in their grief. I saw that she did this last year and I wanted to participate but just couldn't make myself. The grief was still so overwhelming and I was just so scared for Griffin's life that I just couldn't. Right now, today, I feel strong enough to. If I was asked to write this tomorrow or yesterday who knows.... But, Angie asked specifically, "How are you today?"

Today, I am OK. I'm not OK yet with what happened but I'm OK in the sense that I can function again. I can go days, weeks, and sometimes even months with out crying for her. I still miss her each and every single day though. I say a quick prayer for her in the morning and if I am walking past her place on our mantle I stop and place my hand on top of her little urn and speak to her. Sometime if Griffin is in a sweet (not wild :) mood I pull Caroline down off her ledge and hold her for Griffin to place his hand on her too. We say silly things like  "Good Morning Sissy" and the such. I love how she can still be a part of our family this way. If someone outside the loss community were to see how we act sometimes I bet you anything they would think that we're odd.

I try hard to find that fine line of incorporating her into our family in a way that it's not odd. I want my boys to feel comfortable talking about her and asking questions without dwelling on it. (That right there is another post entirely.)

To be the most honest, the thing that has brought me the most comfort (other than just time itself) has been Caroline's little brother Griffin. Maybe it's just that he's added more to the mix and more to keep up with and thus just more of a distraction. Really though, it's just more LOVE. :) And as strange as it may sound, I really sense her presence in him. She is not entirely gone to me because of that. I thank God everyday for the peace that this brings me. I pray that God brings all the baby loss parents the blessing of a rainbow baby (well, those that are wanting another child). I know of many that are still waiting for the love of another baby.

So in general, I'm OK. I still feel stings of bitterness and anger when the Pottery Barn Kids catalog comes in the mail filled with things that I would have wanted for Caroline or when I see sweet little girls with beautiful bows on their heads. (I don't know why but bows really make my heart hurt.) I am beginning to slowly accept that bridal gown shopping with my daughter is NOT in my future nor is watching her have her own babies. There is HER lifetime that I am missing out on. But, I'm gradually letting go of all of that.

I have so much to be thankful for so I'm choosing to focus on that these days.