Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Caroline's Picture

 No this is not a post that has Caroline's picture in it.

Not yet at least.

Several weeks ago I had called my SIL, Melanie, and asked her to go through her pictures that she had taken from the night that Caroline was born. I knew that she had made me a disc but I knew that I didn't have it in me yet (if ever) to go through and look at each one. She sweetly obliged and picked out four for me to look at.

I waited for Bobby to get home and the boys were in bed and then we sat down together to look at them. Bobby was soo sweet. I had already started to get anxious and teared up before he even stood up to get the laptop. He asked me what I had already been thinking which was " Would you like to hold Griffin while we look at the pictures?". I have never grabbed a baby so fast in my life :).

Bobby turned the computer towards him to preview the pictures first and then told me what each one would look like before hand. (I hate surprises with a passion.) He asked me if I remembered what she looked like and sadly what I recall is very little. By the time that Caroline made her arrival I had been pumped soo full of drugs that most everything until the next day is super hazy.

I pretty much cried looking through all her pictures. I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting. She was much much darker and more bruised than I had expected. I don't recall the reason for it (I never asked then and firmly believe that there are some things a mother just shouldn't know). I was really upset because I really just wanted to be able to show her picture just once on her birthday blog post this Saturday, but none of them were appropriate. Bobby was finally able to adjust one to black and white and then fade it out so that she looks much more like a really small sleeping baby than anything else. I'm beyond thankful that he was able to make those changes. She looks a little bit like Griffin to me and so so beautiful.

I'd covet any extra prayers you could send my direction this week. I'm beyond scared to face Saturday and the emotions that I know it will bring.


Ronda said...

hugs and prayers for you my friend.

The Anglin Family said...

I know how you feel, sweet friend. My sweet girl was badly bruised and I can't (haven't) brought myself to post a picture of her. I get upset that my memories are so fuzzy bc of the drugs.. I will most certainly be thinking about you and your precious Caroline..I realized being pregnant/having another baby doesn't take the pain away. I will pray for you!!!! Big hugs! Wish I could give you a real hug;) Ryan's bday is less than a month away and I miss her so much. Maybe Caroline and Ryan can celebrate their birthdays together;) I like to think of her playing in heaven;)

Katie said...

Hillary, I know that was a big moment for you and your husband. I'm so thankful he was just what you needed at that time. So sweet. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Nomatter what you decide to do, I know without a doubt Caroline is beautiful!

Jamie said...

Prayers headed your way! I'm sure the pictures are just beautiful. My girls were very bruised and dark as well. I'm nervous about the very same thing with delivery my baby so close to the girls' birthday. I don't know what kind of emotions are headed my way. But, it helps to know that someone else is dealing with the same things...I am definitely praying and hope everything goes well. {Hugs}

The Mama said...

Hillary, I am so glad that you and your husband were able to look through these pictures together.

Praying extra hard for you my friend, the rest of this week, and this weekend.

m&msmommy said...

I pray for you every day, but I will definitely be saying extra prayers as her birthday approaches.

Love and prayers to you friend! :)

Mary @ VivalaVida said...

I will definitely be keeping ya'll in my thoughts and prayers. I think that it was so nice that you both were able to sit, look at the pictures and remember your precious princess. Sending lots of hugs your way!!

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Oh Hillary... my thoughts are with you too. Looking at photos of our little girls is so hard and it took me ages to feel comfortable sharing them with others. My heart is with you as her birthday approaches xoxo

Tristan said...

i'm sure that caroline is a beautiful baby...no matter what.

my prayers will be covering you on saturday...all day.

KERRY said...

Oh Hillary, my heart breaks for you and especially this coming weekend...I don't know what to say to be honest. I lost a nephew when he was a day old, he was a twin. His brother is now 9 yrs old and I have seen it get easier for my sister as each year progressed. You will never forget, but maybe the pain will ease in time. Loads of love to you and your family xxoo

ccc said...

Hillary--looking at those pictures was hard for you. How insightful for your husband to have you hold Griffin. This weekend you will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. I won't stop thinking about you, and promise you will do the same for me when I need it later this month.

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