Tuesday, September 20, 2011

1 Week And 1 Day - "I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Birthin' No Babies"

This quote pretty much sums up my child birth experience. (Coincidentally this happens to be my most favorite part of my most favorite movie! I just never.ever.imagined that it would suit me so well.)

I forgot to mention that at last weeks appointment Dr. W. said gently to me "I'm not judging you, but have you considered getting your tubes tied after this baby?" I think that she must have quickly looked over my chart and saw:

Baby #1 - Live Birth
Baby #2 - Miscarriage
Baby #3- Live Birth
Baby #4 - Still Birth
Baby #5 - ? (crazy early infections from Strep B, incompetent cervix, heart calcifications in the baby, advanced maternal age etc.)

She really was nice about it all. She told me of how she had made that choice after having two babies herself and had crazy high blood pressure with both that required bed rest and the premature births for both her kiddos. It's super nice to have a doctor that you can relate to but the recommendation still stung. Bobby and I are 100% sure that this is our last baby but it was always fun to joke around with each other of "what if we went crazy one day and decided we needed one more...". We never wanted to have that choice taken away from us. It just seems soo scarily permanent and I hate hate hate the thought of losing that kind of control, especially over my own body.

I told Dr. W. that no I didn't want to have my tubes tied. (Don't worry about me, we choose another method that is just as reliable but is reversible.) I ended up being very disheartened that day about my ability to carry my children to term. So much of who I am, what I am, and my self-worth is wrapped up in my ability to be a mother great mother (and by that I mean the complete mothering experience from conception to college)! To be told that I don't do it so well was really hard to hear. I know that there are soo many women out there who crave to have just one child much less three and I feel horrible sometimes about my self-pitying bad attitude. But, it's where I am right now. 


KERRY said...

Hey you! You have been an amazing baby making machine, with 2 great guys and one on the way. There have been obstacles, but don't ever doubt yourself. No matter how your statistics play out, you have done a marvelous job :)
I agree with you. And I had 3 great, easy pregnancies and my OBGYN still asked if I wanted to have this done. No Way!! Even if I'm done having kids (which I still can't say), still No Way :)

ccc said...

Oh Hillary, that is such a normal feeling. We are women, and that is part of our womanhood, I believe--to have babies and to mother them till college and beyond.I feel the same way. But, I don't think she was telling you that you don't do it well. You are doing it well and have been, it's just that there have been some bumps along the way. Everyone(including drs and family and friends) want to help alleviate our sorrows and try to "help" us by giving out their suggestions. {Believe me, many have tried to "help" me over the years}She is a dr, so of course her plan was to medically do something to help relieve you of sorrow.
I am happy that you and your husband have a back up plan that allows for craziness :)

Jayme said...

I was asked that when I was pregnant with #3. I was shocked- I was only 22. So much life ahead of me.

But they've asked me that now every time I am pregnant LOL

I haven't done it, even though we are done. I am like you- it's just to final.

Melanie Mueller said...

Girl~ You have delivered two full term babies and this little guy is full term and gonna be a little chunky monkey when he gets here next week. You have done all possible to insure that!! We all have our moments of self-doubt but you are a fabulous mother!! FOR SURE!!!! I can't wait to meet my nephew!!

Mary @ VivalaVida said...

I would never want that choice taken away from me. I know people do it all the time, but I agree that is just too permanent for me. I like choices and not limiting them. I understand she was meaning well and it couldn't have been easy, but it would have stung me too.

Hillary you are an amazing momma! You care so so much for your kiddos!! You have done everything possible to keep them ALL safe! Don't doubt your great parenting because really, you are a wonderful momma!

The Anglin Family said...

I tried to leave you a comment last night but I was having a hard time, my iphone kept freezing up. Anyhow, I completely understand how you feel. After I had Camden I felt like they were forcing me into getting my tubes tied. I wasn't interested but my Dr. asked at least ten times. I have alot of friends who have had their tubes tied, but its not for me. It's too final and I am not ready for such a committment. My parents do not understand and dont know why I would want to chance something "bad" ever again. I just dont see it that way. You are going to have yourself three perfect little boys and you are such a good mama. I cannot wait to see pics of this sweet lil guy....Youve done amazing this pregnancy with all youve been through! ;) HUGS!!!

Katie said...

Hillary, I'm so proud of you and you're so close. I'm sorry about your appointment. ; (

It's completely fine to feel the way you do! I know your heart is so full of a lot of emotions.

Thinking of you and excited about this baby boy!

The Mama said...

That appt definitely stunk. That's no fun. Bless your heart for feeling like that. You are about to be a momma to 3 beautiful perfect baby boys and that's so much to be proud of! You are so close!!!! I can't wait to hear!!!!!

Brittany said...

I am with you totally!! Getting your tubes tied is soo scary because it is definite. You don't have the chance to say, "what if...?"

THanks for sharing your experiences and letting us travel w/ you as you welcome baby boy!!! I'm praying for you and excited for you.

During my last birth, my nurse said at my 6 week check up.... how many pregnancies have you had? I said, 5. And then she said, how many living children.....only 2. It was sad.....but I realize that HIS WAYS are perfect, even though there was heartache in each miscarriage.

Wendy said...

OMGOSH. How insensitive of the Dr.! I realize, like someone else said, she probably just thought she was helping prevent future sorrow. However, it's probably also that it's not "normal" to want more than the average "2.5" children. PUH-LEEZ. Stick to your guns, Hill! Love you guys and can't wait to meet Boy #3!!!

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