Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Big Day Tomorrow, Nerves, and Comfort

Ok so maybe it won't be such a big day...  But, I do get to see my specialist tomorrow morning! Any chance for me to see the little one inside me is a big day.

I've been having massive problems with anxiety lately. My crazy brain keeps trying to trick me by telling me that this time this baby won't make it just like the Caroline. It tells me not to get my hopes up, not to start thinking of baby names, not to plan on getting a nursery ready, not to buy any more maternity clothes, and not count on there being a heart beat. So far there is no indication that this is the case and yet my brain tells me that I am a ticking time bomb waiting for infection to strike this baby too.

Every trickle from below and every cramp sends my brain reeling into all sorts of horrible possibilities. Even though I am now in the second trimester I still feel no peace. My first thoughts are that in 10 weeks I will feel soo much better. By then I'll be roughly 25 weeks and into the range of viability. {enter pesky brain} Better wait until 30 weeks for that sense of relief. By then surely if anything crazy was to happen I could just deliver and this baby would have close to a 100% chance of survival. But, who am I kidding here... I won't be a happy camper until this child is out of me safe and sound at around 38 weeks.

I only pray now that all the extra visit to 2 different doctors will be enough to silent the craziness that is my brain these days....

I did find comfort this morning during church. Our pastor told the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from his grave in preparation for the Easter story to come in a few weeks. He described in vivid detail how the followers of Jesus dissuaded him from even approaching his grave. They pleaded with him saying that it had already been 4 days and that there was already an "odor". They couldn't understand how it could be possible for Lazarus to be raised from the dead. They only knew from their human experience that this is not possible. Jesus, being the son of God, called Lazarus to come out to him and Lazarus did! Jesus had resurrected him!

I wanted to cry in church this morning while listening to this message. I only know from my human experience what can be done and not done to save this child that I carry. It truly is not only up to me and the doctors but up to God and Jesus as well. And they can do immeasurably more!!

Long story short, I am trying to listen to a whole lot less to my crazy brain and pray a whole lot to God to ease my mind and deliver this baby safely to our family!

On a much lighter note, I wanted to share some fun pictures of our little family from this weekend!

Silly Grady at his cousin Cooper's birthday party on Saturday. He was super blue after eating cupcake icing! Both boys had the greatest time!

Take 1 : trying once again to get bluebonnet pictures outside our church this morning...

Take 97 : Still trying to get a picture...

Yummy breakfast out after Church! I love it when I'm not cooking!

I love my Graham when it's time for pictures! He usually the very first one to cooperate!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!


ccc said...

I am going through everything that you just said. I know it's possible to have a healthy baby--I've done it in the past--but, I guess that confidence has been shattered. A fellow BLM told me that what got her through two subsequent rainbow babies was repeating daily, "Jesus, I trust in You."

Michele said...

Oh hon... It's tough. Pregnancy after a loss is so hard. With Alex's pregnancy, I was too scared to enjoy it fully... That is my deepest regret from my time with him. After losing him, I swore I'd never have that regret again. I'd rather enjoy every day and lose the baby/babies than be fearful every single day. So, with Bobby and Maya, we threw caution to the wind and, although the pregnancy was tough and 16w of bedrest and PTL and the hospital and then the 9w in the NICU... I'm happy. No regrets from that pregnancy. We loved every day we had with them inside. I know it's hard, but try to just put that fear at the cross of Christ and love every moment as it comes. As that fear treads in, tell it, as Christ did when he was tempted, "Get behind me!" and go on about your day.

Big hugs and cant wait to hear about your appt tomorrow!

rebecca said...

Completely understand the mind games, I've been struggling with those myself. As you said we have to have faith that we will get through these pregnancies with beautiful healthy babies in the end. Take one moment at a time and try to hold on to hope ((hugs))

New Year Mum said...

I can only imagine what you're going through... but know that your anxiety is understandable and all part of the love you have for your little one as a mum. I know that I won't be calm until our next baby is safely in my arms. Great that you have 2 doctors with you along the way and lots of support from everyone plus your faith. Thinking of you for your appt tomorrow and with you every step of the way xoxo

Melanie Mueller said...

Hillary~ I can only imagine how hard it is to just fully relax and enjoy this pregnacy. I hope it helps a little knowing that I continue to pray for my little, growing niece or nephew and for your peace. Love you and can't wait to hear about tomorrow's appointment. You better call me quick. ;)

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