Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Night With Caroline And Griffin

I had a dream about Caroline last night. It was my first and only one so far since she left us. In the early days after her passing I spent most night with my best friend Ambien and I'm sure that prevented any dreams that might have come. I'm grateful for it. I could not have handled any dreams of her then. 

I almost couldn't handle the dream I had last night. I guess I could tell you the long and winding version of my dream but it was all so bizarre that it almost didn't make sense to me so I'll save you from having to read all about it. Sufficed to say, she was ALIVE! And I got to hold her ALIVE! She didn't have that too tiny to live look about her (if you've lost a child you know what I'm talking about). She still looked small to me in my dream but not sickly small. She looked like a real baby. Like how I would have loved and give my right leg to see her look. Her little eyes were open and not still fused shut. She was soo beautiful! I knew in my dream that she would still pass away but I was able to hold her in my arms and not my womb when she passed. 

I don't remember how much more I dreamed because the next thing I knew I could hear Griffin on the monitor. I crept up to his room and as I entered it I could see his beautiful little smiling face. The little stink was wide awake and calling for me :). Bless his heart, when I scooped him up he had leaked out of his diaper and through his jammies and swaddler. As I changed him on his changing table (for some reason his favorite place to be) he continued to smile and coo at me. I can not tell you how HEAVEN SENT these moments were! I went from the confusion of a welcomed nightmare into such unconditional love and devotion from my earthly baby!

As I rocked and nursed Griffin back to sleep I said a silent prayer of thanks to God for the moments he provided me with my 2 babies that night. 


The Anglin Family said...

Aww Hillary.. He just knows what we need. I'm glad you got to have a dream like that.....
I took Xanax after Ryan died and I had never taken anything like that in my life. But I had to if I wanted to sleep.
Griffin is perfect and handsome and has a purpose! God chose him to be with your family! He's a lucky lil man to have you as his mommy!! Hugs!

Brittany said...

Oh hillary. What a beautiful night that brought tears streaming down my face. I have a feeling the Lord knew just what you needed-a little of Caroline followed by griffin;)

Thanks for sharing!

KERRY said...

Oh Hillary you have made me cry!! What a sweet sweet post, a sweet dream and sweet moments with your little man. Love to you always!! xoxo

Melanie Mueller said...

Wow-that made me cry! I am so glad you got to see your sweet Caroline in your dreams.
I am sooooooo grateful to God for giving you precious Griffin to hold in your arms when you woke up.

Michele said...

That is such a beautiful story!

I, too, love the dreams that bring all my babies to me. :) Hugs

Beth Ann said...

So very special.

The Mama said...

That made me cry. What an awesome God we serve, helping you with such a sweet moment with Griffin. And to be able to hold Caroline in your dream as well. Night to remember for sure

VivalaVida said...

What a beautiful moment!! What a blessing to see her in your dreams!!

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