So to be totally honest, it's been a really rough morning for me emotionally. I've cried off and on and wondered endlessly about the health of this baby. I'm sure that 90 % of what I've been thinking and feeling is all in my head. I can't stop myself from wondering if he's ok. I can not stop over-analyzing if that baby is moving enough or not. I don't want anyone to panic. He has moved today, but in my mind all I can think about is "Has he moved enough?" and "Last week his kicks, punches, and rolls felt stronger, right?", "What if he's in some kind of fetal distress and I just don't know about it yet". I know I've said this a couple of times before, but I just can't seem to stop the catastrophic thoughts from rolling through my head. I feel as though I have laid around half of the morning either watching the boys play and praying to God to make all of this work out. In some moments of desperation I pray to God to help make the baby move for a second to give my mind just a little bit of peace. I know that if I would just suck it up and buy a hospital grade Doppler I probably would have the peace that I crave but I'm just soo worried that I wouldn't use it right and then not be able to find the baby's heartbeat and really scare myself for no reason.
I know that a lot of you ladies that I've connected with while blogging have lost kiddos, but not so many of us seem to have come out on the other side yet of a successful pregnancy after such a great loss. For those of you who have did you feel like you experience similar anxiety? Did you feel like you compared one pregnancy against the other too much?
Now that that is off my chest, I wanted to say a quick thank you! Amidst my praying this morning I checked my email a couple of times and read some super awesome comments with ya'll reminding me that you guys are praying for us too and that I'm not all alone over here. Your loving comments were a God-send when my head was in too dark of a place this morning.
Lots of Love to all of you and thank you thank you thank you!
Hello world!
9 months ago
9 comments:
I am praying for you. I love reading to get updates!! Praying for a healthy sweet boy as well as your health as well!!!
Ahh Hillary... you're going to make yourself sick with soo much worrying..
I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that its all in God's hand.
Love you and pray for you daily. :)
I rented a doppler- it was like $20 a month. Best peace of mind ever.
Don't be afraid to go get checked out if you are nervous- I know I felt stupid when there was probably nothing wrong, but the fact it reassured me for a few more days was worth it.
I had anxiety through the roof! After 24 weeks I was no longer worried about my cervix, but was worried about pre-term labor. After 31 weeks I was worried about the baby not making it :-(. I did find in my previous pregnancy that bedrest only increases the worry because you are immobile. I didn't have a doppler but I was a "poker" - poking the baby until he moved. If I felt no movement (he was sleepy), I panicked.
After speaking to many baby loss moms I have come to learn that we all go through it. Big hugs and sending prayers your way. Add me on facebook, there is a private rainbow room group for bloggers (started by another BLM blogger) that will help you pass the time and vent. I am under Marie Wise.
Hillary-I wish I could tell you not to worry, but I know it's something you cannot control. All moms, especially BLM's worry more than we should, but we unfortunately we have been there. I have read quite a few other blogs where the BLM had a rainbow(or two) and everything went fine. You are under the care of a great dr, and you are doing everything you can to get that little boy here safely--keep up the good work!
I always think about the what if's too! I just always say afterwards "may that not be in God's plan." I basically tell myself this all day long!! My mind just wonders with so many things that could happen.
I have been thinking about getting a doppler from http://tinyheartbeats.org/ I was given this website from a very very dear friend and I have been debating whether I should do it or not. It's an organization that lends out dopplers to mother's who have lost babies in the past. I think they came up with a wonderful idea to give BLM's a peace of mind.
Thinking of you Hillary!!
xxxx
I know that I haven't commented on your blog in a while but have been reading your posts for a while now, just wanted to let you know that you and little one are in my prayers!
Hillary, you are one blogger friend I think about a lot throughout my days. How are you, sweet friend?
Yes, we were very anxious when I was pregnant with Colson. Jason worried a lot I think because as the man he wants to protect and make sure everything is fine with his family.
I was anxious but so excited. In my mind I just couldn't imagine anything going wrong again. Does this make sense?
BUT I also didn't go through with Colson what you are going through. You are going through A LOT so of course your emotions are maxed out.
I am so sorry you are having to face so much on top of losing your sweet Caroline. Please know you have an army of us praying for you and loving you in Christ.
I hope your night is peace and joy-filled.
I am going to be praying for you to have peace that only God can give.
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