Tuesday, March 29, 2011

13 Weeks!

Its taken me soo long to post this but I just don't know where to start! Typically one should just start at the beginning of ones pregnancy but I feel like this just goes back soo much further than that. The story of this sweet baby growing inside me starts when his or her older sister still occupied the space that they are growing in now!

Bobby and I knew immediately that we wanted needed another baby right away. For us there was no need for "time to heal" or "get used to what just happened to us". We knew in our hearts that we had to have another baby right away and we decided this just hours before our sweet Caroline was born.

It was as if we just innately knew that the only thing that could completely heal us was another child. Don't get me wrong. We still grieve deeply for our lost daughter (and probably will until the end of time). With the raw pain that we were dealing with after the death of our child we just knew that somehow this was the only way to make things "better". I'm sorry, I wish I had a better explanation for our emotions and our decision but truly it was one made by our hearts and I know also that a lot of other couples would make the exact opposite decision from ours. I wish that this all made better sense...

After Caroline was born there was of course the standard 6 week post-partum waiting. I thought that this wait would kill me! I was soo anxious for the "alls clear to start trying" from the doctor. During the 6 week checkup he mentioned that he would like us to wait an additional 2 cycles before trying again. I thought I might fall off the exam table! I completely understand his reasoning though. He was worried about any lingering infection that might compromise me or any future children.  I understood his logic, I just was so MAD about it! I had these dreams of surprising my husband at Christmas time with a positive pregnancy test but that went completely out the window. Every day waiting of those 2 extra months I thought would kill me.

All that I can say (of course with out being terribly graphic ) :) is that God is great indeed! He blessed us with this miracle child after only that one month of trying. I have to say that I was honestly floored by the news. During the dreaded 2 week wait I was a complete nut job. Four whole days into the 2ww I was already imagining that I was feeling bloated, nauseous, and every other pregnancy symptom in the book! On day 5 into the 2ww I started POS. For 2 days they came back negative (because hello stupid Hillary you have to wait at least until 6 days before a missed period and I wasn't even that close). I decided then and there to just embrace the lunatic that I was and I spent more than I care to admit purchasing countless more test. Everyday for the next 3 days I tested. 7 days before my missed period I got this....

I was honestly floored. I took this at night just because I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wholly expected it to be negative because it was just too early! Like I keep saying God is good and the comfort that he brought to my heart that night can not be compared to anything! (well except when I get to hold this child for the first time!)

I think that I'll leave off here for right now. Graham is home from school now and homework calls! I'll try and update again later with more of the story (and there is tons more!) later this evening maybe.

Love to you all and thank you soo much for all the sweet comments and prayers that everyone is saying! Bobby and I will take every (and need every!) one that is being sent our way!


The Anglin Family said...

Praying for you and your sweet little baby.:)

Tristan said...

i'm just so happy i can pray for a pregnant you!! i have been praying for the Lord to heal your heart :)

Michele said...

Hoping for a long, healthy pregnancy! :) Congratulations, again!! Happy for you!

Sarah said...

So excited! I pray that you will have a joyful pregnancy and that God will guard your heart from any worries!

Jayme said...

I felt the exact same way after Raime and Elora- I just needed another baby to help heal some of the grief I was feeling. I felt like I couldn't end my child bearing on a loss.

It took awhile after Connor to come to that same place, but once I was there, we ended up with the twins.

And while successfully bring home a baby after a loss doesn't take away all the pain, it certainly has filled some of that gaping hole in my heart and life that our losses left, and has made it more bearable.

New Year Mum said...

Congratulations again... great to read your story from the start :)) Such fantastic news that you got pregnant in the first month of TTC :) We were originally told we needed to wait 6 months after Gabrielle's stillbirth... but then when our OB said we only needed to wait 3 month, I could have hugged him :)) Looking forward to reading the rest of your story and with you all the way xoxo

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