Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What I'm Needing Today

Today I need 3 things. Faith, Hope, and Love.

Typically, I'm the first one to scoff at this phrase. Like it's soo last year. It covers every sign, every candle, every vinyl wall kling... pretty much anything and everything that stands still at either Kirklands or Hobby Lobby has this lable on it. Don't get me wrong. I love both of those stores almost as much as my kids but I do generally try to avoid the phrase while I'm purchasing decor for my home. I find that it's just a tad overdone and that kinda bugs me a little bit.

However lately I have found myself stuggling a lot. Spiritually, emotionally and physically. I've been making myself sick lately with worry and self doubt. As Caroline's true due date rapidly approaches later this week I'm not sure how I'll make it through. I feel guilt and blame that it was my fault that our baby didn't make it. Plenty of doctors have told me "its not your fault" and I just don't know if I can belive them. In truth it was my fault, my body's fault. I'm now scared senseless of the "what if it happens again". The failure to be able to give my husband the daughter that I know he longs for or my boys the sister that they would have loved and protected to the ends of the earth is killing me.

I'm struggling to understand why God wanted our baby back in Heaven with him. I know that God is in control of everything and that he has a purpose for everything. But, I'm having a time of it this week to stay firm in my faith and take comfort in the fact that God knows what He's doing. My faith has been so shaken that I'm having a hard time letting God take over again. I've spent wasted time trying to control every little situation myself lately that I'm making myself and my wonderful husband crazy lately.

So, I'm determined to try and get in a better frame of mind. I realize that none of our futures are certain and that God is the one in the driver's seat! Ultimately everything is in God's hands and I have to trust in Him that he brings me and my husbands fondest wish of completing our family in the near future!

I'm choosing FAITH in God, HOPE for our future, and the LOVE of my family!

I got a Hobby Lobby gift card for my birthday, maybe the boys and I should take a little trip the afternoon and pick out some new decor for our home... :)

1 comment:

Melanie Mueller said...

Oh Hillary! I have tears in my eyes as a I read this. I am so sorry you are struggling. I can only imagine the questions, pain and frustration you must feel. I hate that you are blaming yourself. I know that is normal but it makes me sad that it haunts you in that way. But Caroline's life was planned out in great detail and even though it was short, that was God's plan. You are right. God is in control and I feel so strongly that he has a plan to complete your family perfectly. I am so excited to watch it unfold! Please call me if you need to talk or cry or want me to come visit. I am here for you.
Love you so!

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