Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Caroline Elizabeth ~ Part 3

Jesus said: “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs.” And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.

And here we are at the unfortunate end of our story. Caroline's true due date is only just a few days away. Because she would have been born by C-section I would have been able to pick out her due date for myself. Technically her due date would have been February 27th but my doctor does his scheduled C-sections up to a week before. There is no way that I would have been able to wait all the way until February 27th. I would probably have picked Monday or Tuesday of this coming week because I'm the type of Momma that by the end of my pregnancy I'm just done with it all. I'm already sick to my stomach that I should be walking  waddling around, taking it easy and nesting. I should be wondering who Caroline will be born looking like and not already knowing. I should be having Bobby load our bags into the car for "just in case something happens sooner". I should be making arrangements for who will watch our boys while we're at the hospital. I'm still soo damn angry that I don't have anything to do.

The Saturday afternoon that we left the hospital was one of the worst days of our lives. We were leaving the hospital empty-handed know we were leaving our daughter behind somewhere still inside because the funeral home needed to pick her up. Funeral Home. One of the many words that make vomit rise into my throat. Same thing goes for the words Death Certificate, Funeral Arrangements,and Urn. Sadly all of us will one day utter these words about our parents or grandparents but few (thankfully) will have to say these in regards to our children.

The days since October 15th seemed to have flown by supernaturally fast. The first 21 weeks of my pregnancy seemed to drag on but the last 19 since we had her have flown. Most of it has been a blur and maybe that's just one small gift that God has given us. The pain that started off soo acutely has now simmered to a dull constant ache somewhere around my heart and I wonder if I'll go until my dying day with that feeling.

Speaking of God's small gifts reminds me that he has placed things or most importantly PEOPLE in our lives that have made all of this just a little bit easier of a burden to bare.
One of the first gifts that we noticed was while in the hospital and one of the sonographers that was checking my uterus out looked exactly and sounded exactly like one of our very dear friend's husbands Chris. It was such a strange comfort to feel so at ease with a stranger during such a terrible time. Of course we always thank God for the Doctors, Nurses, and Social Workers that took care of us in the hospital.
The next glaring example of a person sent by God was the funeral director that we worked closely with . I walked in that next Monday after I had had her expected to see an older man in a suit but low and behold it was a youngish woman! While we spoke I discovered that she was a Mom of 3 children close in age to my own, didn't live far away, shared my same OB/GYN, and shared her story of recent pain (she suffered and ectopic pregnancy). What a blessing this young woman was! She was soo easy to speak to and cry in front of. She bent over backwards for us to hurry our process along. She even made a trip on her way home one night to pick up the death certificate information from my doctor's office that my OB was dragging his feet on! She really strived to make an unbearable experience the least painful that she could.
We are thankful for our Pastor who ministered to us in the following weeks and shared his and his wife's story of loss at a similar gestation as ours. Many times while he spoke to us we could see the tears in his eyes as he thought back on his painful moments.

We were blessed to have many wonderful friends and family bring food, journals, cards, and letters to share our painful time.

We held her service of remembrance on October 31st at our family's church. Below is one of the prayers that our pastor delivered to comfort us.
"Almighty God, loving Parent of all your children, we come in sorrow that Caroline Elizabeth has been taken from us so soon. Sometimes the burdens of life almost overwhelm us. Yet we put our full trust in you, knowing that through your Son Jesus Christ you are with us always. We take comfort that your loving arms surround us in our time of grief.
Be with Bobby and Hillary in their disappointment and pain. May you walk with them in the painful days ahead as they renew their life and live in your promises of strength and perspective. Be with Graham and Grady and surround them with your loving arms.
Be with their families. Pour your gracious healing upon them as they also are heavy of heart.
In the name of Jesus Christ the Great Physician, we pray. Amen."

I know that Halloween is a strange day to do such a thing but it really ended up being yet another blessing in disguise. It allowed us to get out of the house that night for a little bit and trick or treat and take our minds off things for a little bit. Overall I know that we as a family will make it through this season of our lives and come out on the other side better and stronger. We pray daily that God may bless us with the continuation and completion of our family and complete faith that one day he will!!

If you want to read the rest of Caroline's story you can go here, here, and here.


Tristan said...

Your in my prayers often.

I've only found your blog a couple months ago..but my heart hurts for you so often.

Prayers sent your way!

Michele said...

Sending loving thoughts...

Marie W said...

Sending love and hugs your way.

April said...

I read Caroline's story after you left a comment on my blog about my daughter Aven. I just wanted to tell you that your daughter is beautiful. I haven't had the courage to post my story but it sounds a little like yours. I haven't had the courage to try and get pregnant again but I wanted you to know that reading your blog has made me smile and taken a little of my fear away. Love to you and Caroline.

Tesha said...

Hi Hillary, Oh how my heart hurts for you reading these post. It must of been so scary, being that sick. But I know it did not compare to the emotions of losing your precious Caroline. I was very sick the week before Jonathan died but they did not think it was related. I love her name so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with me it has help to not be alone. Prayer sent your way for your beautiful family.

Hannah Rose said...

Much love. Thank you for sharing your sweet girl. It is really neat she was born on October 15, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I remember what I was doing on that date in 2010, I was at a candlelight service. That makes me feel a special connection to Caroline. October is such a beautiful month for your beautiful girl. <3

Em said...

I am so grateful that these specific people were placed in your path to show you God's love and comfort during the darkest of days. The funeral director sounds like such a sweet soul. It was not an accident that she was the one helping you through this process. I mentioned in an earlier comment that my husband and I lost our son at 19 weeks. Here is his story. It may help you feel less lonely in your grief.


Ali G. said...

I'm catching up on your story since I'm relatively new to your blog, so I just read this. I'm so sorry for your loss! I will remember your family in my prayers, even now!

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