Thursday, January 6, 2011

Before Caroline...

  • I could watch TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby".
  • I could read all the blogs that I usually love to read but can't now because those girls are expecting.
  • I could shop at Babies R' Us with out crying.
  • I could visit my OB/Gyn with with out having an anxiety attack and taking a Xanax.
  • I could go to church, cub scout meetings, birthday parties, holiday gatherings,________(fill in the blank with a thousand other places) with out people gazing at me sadly and then whispering to someone next to them about me.
  • I could feel happy all the time.
These are just some of the things that have changed in my life. Sometimes I feel that when Caroline died I was robbed of not only my daughter but my life as well. I go day to day knowing that my life will never be the same again.  I'm so afraid that until my dying day I'll never to completely happy again. How will I go the rest of my life with this pain, anguish, and sadness that may never lift??

Please don't get me wrong, I have never been more in love with my husband or my boys than I am right now. Sometimes they are the singular brightness to my day and I hate that they are stuck with a wife and mother that's only barely functioning for them right now.

Sorry for this negative post. It's just one of those rough days...




Melanie Mueller said...

Oh Hillary! I am soooo sorry you are having a rough day. Please know that you can call me anytime. I may not be able to truly understand but I do love you sweet SIL. Prayers your way! Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Amy said...

I second what Melanie said.... You can call us anytime...
It going to take a long time, but you will feel better and get back to some semblance of normal!
Love you Thrills!

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