Thursday, May 5, 2011

On Being Brave... (or in my case not so much)

I have had this blog post rolling around in my head for quite some time now. Words like bravery, leap of faith, and fear are also running through my head too.

I've spent a lot of time paralyzed with fear of what may happen this time around. Many scary scenarios have kept me up at night and sadly this fear has robbed me of so much.

Much joy has been taken from me and there are so many things that I find that I'm too scared to do...

  • give this little boy name until he's here
  • prepare the nursery ahead of time
  • read any "What to Expect When Your Expecting" type books
  • wear some of the maternity clothes I wore with Caroline. (lets just say the clothes worn to the doctor that crappy day and then the hospital will never see the light of day again.)
  • buy any little blue clothes or diapers for Baby M
  • no fun nicknames for this baby (Graham was Peanut, Caroline was Fluffy, and I'm terrible becuase I can't remember what we called Grady)
  • thank goodness we don't need anything because I'd turn down any shower offers as well
I completely realize in the rational part of my brain that by doing any of the above mentioned things will not cause the demise of this baby. I just still worry about "putting the cart ahead of the horse or counting my chicks before they hatch".

After the loss of Caroline I now carry not only this sweet little boy but also the burden of  worrying so much for him and his livelihood. The best way that I can describe whats going on in my head right now is something akin to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I told my OB at my last visit that its as if my brain has now been re-wired to only expect the worst. I can't go into any checkup with out thinking "maybe it's this visit where his little heart won't be beating anymore" or "will today to be the day that I won't feel him move again". These are horrible thoughts, I know. I shouldn't be thinking these things, I know. This probably won't be the case this time, I know. But, right now as I near the week where things went terribly wrong with Caroline my head has lept into overdrive and my faith in God is loosing the war with the need to protect my heart.

I finally finished the book "Empty Arms" by Pam Vredevelt. It's a book on hope and support for those who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or tubal pregnancy. I did find it somewhat helpful. I only wish that I had read it closer to the loss of Caroline (but I know that I would not have had the strength to in those dark days). I guess what I'm needing now is a something more related to pregnancy after loss. Anyone have any good suggestions??

It's been pretty emotionally rough on Bobby and I these last couple of months. We find ourselves in the most unexpected of positions. Grieving the death of one child while longing for the birth of the next. Don't get me wrong because we wouldnt' have it any other way. I feel though, that for as long of a road to recovery as we have (and personally I feel that for me it will be a road that never ends...) we have made leaps and bounds. When we first started out planning this pregnancy we had pretty much firmly decided that for the first time in our lives, we would not find out the gender of this baby. We felt that maybe if we kept our distance from that little bit of knowledge we might not get so attached if something we to go wrong. But as we passed the scary 1st trimester where miscarriage is common we felt more comfortable with learning Baby M's gender. Progress!! As we entered the 2nd trimester and have several good reports in a row we decided to throw the baby a Gender Reveal party. Even more progress!! My hope for the future (and by that I mean past 24 weeks and viability, maybe even 3rd trimester) is that I find the strength once again and I accomplish some of the things on my  list above.


Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said...

Prayers for you and family.

The Anglin Family said...

I am praying for you. I honestly just said a prayer for you. I know how this feels, and I pray you can give your fear to God and get some peace and comfort for you.

The clothes I wore to the hospital are in the same sack they gave me at the hospital. They still smell like the hospital and I will never ever wear them again. Those little things you will never forget.

Praying for a sweet, perfect, healthy, boy!! I have heard of a book about pregnancy after loss but I am not sure of the title--

ccc said...

I know exactly what you are saying. I guess it would be hard to not feel that way.
But, we did not tell most people about my pregnancy with David for awhile because of the previous miscarriages, and then we he was gone we felt awful that we did not celebrate his short life with more people sooner.
So, even though you and I will always be cautious with our pregnancies, I think it's great when you do get excited and and want to share with others. I really love your gender reveal party!

Jayme said...

I think it's normal- I felt the same way. As the pregnancy progresses, you may find it easier to celebrate this baby.

Melanie Mueller said...

Hillary~ You are doing so great! I am always amazed by your upbeat attitude and grace in each step of your journey. I know that I have no way to truly understand what you are going through but I can listen, pray and do my best to help you through it all. I keep you and my newest nephew in my chats with God each day!!
Love you so!!

New Year Mum said...

I can only imagine that everything that you're going through is a normal part of any pregnancy after the loss of an angel... you always sound so brave and positive, but it is certainly normal to feel anxious for your little one while also wanting to protect yourself. Your love and determination for him will get you through... you are a gorgeous mum and thinking of you every step of the way. Love always xoxo

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

I think this is all part of the "new" normal, worrying. It's so hard, I know. When I was pregnant with Livie I had no doubts in my mind...I hate to say it but I was a bit naive to the things that can happen during pregnancy. Once we got past the 1st trimester and the chance for miscarriage dropped, I thought we had made it.

I think this next time will be hard because we know that it's not easy and we know about the many things that can happen. You are such an amazing strong person and you will get through all of this. I'm praying that everything continues to go well and for a healthy and perfect pregnancy and baby.

<3 Mary

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