Monday, May 23, 2011

One Year Ago...

You might think I'm pretty strange but I remember all sorts of random dates. Particularly when it comes to my kiddos. Yesterday was the first day of my last menstrual period with Caroline one year ago. I guess that maybe its not all that strange. It is one of those dates that you end up telling a bazillion people at the doctors office (some several times over) and then later at the hospital. It was a date that I had circled in my desk calender of important dates. I used it over and over on all sorts of fun baby websites devoted to telling you more than you ever wanted to know about your fetus/baby. May 22nd is forever in my brain.

I sometimes can't believe that here it is one year later and I feel as if I'm no further along in my journey to become a Momma again. It's been one solid year and 2 babies later. I guess its a combination of May 22nd  and the fact that I'm am just 2 or 3 days away from how far I was along with Caroline when she passed away. I'm right back where I started from. Being scared shitless that this little guy won't make it either. What if I only have a couple more days left with him too?

I've been trying my very hardest to follow all of the doctors orders and stay very relaxed and to not hardly be on my feet at all. I've been scaring myself a little bit lately by over analyzing my body and things that I'm feeling right now. I have 2 doctor's appointments this week thank goodness. Hopefully both of those will go great and I'll have a little relief from the worry that I've been feeling this past week.

I'm sorry that this is such a Debbie Downer post. I promise that soon I'll be back to usual (like 24 weeks gestation! :). I've just had a lot of this stuff on my mind for a couple of days out and needed to vent a little bit more.

My next appointment is tomorrow with the specialist and then I should have more to share including some new pictures of our little man!

Thanks for listening ladies! I love and adore you all so much for all the support and advise that you've given me during the past couple of weeks!

6 comments:

Jamie said...

Don't worry...you're not a debbie downer..you have a lot on your plate right now and it's okay to be stressed or just worried about things. It's only in our nature, especially as a mom. Just know that you're always in my prayers as well as your family. All I can say is to try to stay positive and give it all over to Him. It takes a lot of trust but I couldn't do it otherwise. Lots of love your way!!

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

I know the feeling about keeping dates in your mind. I also do that. I remember my last first day too and the first time we saw her etc. Those dates will forever be engraved. Do not worry about venting or being a debbie downer here. This is your space and it is good for you to let out your emotions, stress, feelings, worries. Definitely normal. You have two more days as well as a week, a month, and plenty of more years with this baby. Continue to stay positive! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow! You continue to be in my prayers!

xxx
Mary

ccc said...

I remember all those dates too. My first and last (living) child actually had the same LMP(and due) date.
It must be hard to be at the same gestational period as you were with Caroline when things took a turn. But, this time you are one step ahead of things. Sending lots of hugs your way, and hoping for the greatest news you ever heard at your dr appt!

Tristan said...

i am praying everyday for you and your little guy!!

Jayme said...

I hope the drs appointments are reassuring- I remember thinking this is how far I was when I lost my last baby when I had hit that point in subsequent pregnancies.

Janelle said...

I found your blog recently (can't remember how).
You have every right to have a down day. Losing a child is hard and it's not something you can ever forget. I just went through a miscarriage and I am learning how hard it is to know that I will never get to hold this baby while on this earth. My baby was due to be born on Christmas Eve and I know that Christmas this year (and probably in years to come) will have moments of grief mixed in with the celebrations. Mothers love their children from the minute they are conceived, so it is only natural to grieve for long periods of time after losing a child.

 
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