Before Caroline...

• I could watch TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby".
• I could read all the blogs that I usually love to read but can't now because those girls are expecting.
• I could shop at Babies R' Us with out crying.
• I could visit my OB/Gyn with with out having an anxiety attack and taking a Xanax.
• I could go to church, cub scout meetings, birthday parties, holiday gatherings,________(fill in the blank with a thousand other places) with out people gazing at me sadly and then whispering to someone next to them about me.
• I could feel happy all the time.

These are just some of the things that have changed in my life. Sometimes I feel that when Caroline died I was robbed of not only my daughter but my life as well. I go day to day knowing that my life will never be the same again.  I'm so afraid that until my dying day I'll never to completely happy again. How will I go the rest of my life with this pain, anguish, and sadness that may never lift??

Please don't get me wrong, I have never been more in love with my husband or my boys than I am right now. Sometimes they are the singular brightness to my day and I hate that they are stuck with a wife and mother that's only barely functioning for them right now.

Sorry for this negative post. It's just one of those rough days...

Love,

Hillary